Today is a good day-which is a joy and a blessing. Nothing remarkable has happened to make me say "Today is a good day." It's cloudy and a little cool. It's dreary and it feels a little "tornado-ish" out there and yet I have peace today and for that I am grateful.
Since it IS a good day-I'm going to check in for a moment and see what a good day feels like in my healing spirit.
Right now the sadness is nearly undetectable. It's as big as a few grains of sand in my heart. I do-if I'm being honest, have a bit of a lump in my throat (about the size of a dime and a sadness in the pit of my stomach about the size of a quarter.)
I could easily say "Oh well, that's great. I just will live like this" and it's sure A LOT better that what bad days look like. I'm committed to the truth that Jesus can and wishes to bring complete and total healing and restoration in my heart and in my life. Sometimes we have the blessing of seeing that happen in an instant. In fact, when I started following Jesus, I did so because he was the most amazing healer that I had every heard of.
I read the Gospel of John and made a decision to follow Jesus based just on what I read there. I hadn't had a big "salvation" experience. It was a logical choice based on Jesus believe the most amazing man I'd ever read about. Just in John H turns water to wine, He heals the Officials son, He heals the man at the pool , He feeds five thousand people with a few loves and fishes ends up with 12 baskets of left overs, He walks on water, He heals the blind man, He raises Lazarus from the DEAD, He predicts His betrayal, He says that our sorrow will turn to joy and after peacefully turning His will over to the Fathers on the cross He is RESURRECTED FROM THE DEAD! Then John says "Now there were also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written." (John 21:25)
Do I believe that Jesus can totally heal me? Heck YES, I do. I believe He can heal me and you and absolutely everything.
Remember Colossians 1:20 Jesus came to reconcile ALL things to the Father. That's my loss and yours. That's my pain and yours. That's ALL things. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
When I lost my parents, I was a single mom. For years, I would wake up, get me and my little lady ready for the day, drop her off at school, go to work, pick her up, feed us dinner, put on the t.v. and sit on the couch and cry. I cried and cried until I was actually afraid that I may always cry.
It was then that I invited my little girl onto my lap. I said something like "Sweetheart, I need you to know that I'm okay. I promise, I'm okay. I'm just very sad because I miss my mom and dad." "I know, Mama," she said.
"I also need you to know that I might always be this way. I don't want to be worried. I love you."
Here's some good news. I don't cry much anymore. I have moments when I just fall apart, for sure. That's part of why I'm in the journey of the Healing Season. I don't want to fall apart anymore. I want to bury my grief. I was IT to rest in piece.
So-that said. Be encouraged. Jesus is working in me and in YOU. He IS the healer and we are in excellent hands.
Prayer:
Father, I put my trust in you. Thank you for bringing me this far in my healing. Lord, I believe that with you ALL things are possible. The believe that you can restore me, my heart and the heart of those who have been wounded by my brokenness. Lord, where I have injured other people, I pray that you would show me and teach me the way of restoration in those relationships. In week moments, help me to seek you more than any other thing. Be near to my Lord and be my strength and my hope. When I am having dark days, bring to mind the memory of how far we have come and the joy that is mine. Thank you that my joy in not contingent on the things of this word, but in a relationship with you, the living God.
I love you and I thank you today.
Scripture:
Psalm 23:3
He restores my soul.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
The Healing Season
Today, my son went to a friends 7th Birthday Party. It was at a bowling alley. Between the fun (and it certainly was) I took the chance to hold a bowling ball up to much check and check something.
You know how I check the size and shape and location of my emotional pain in my body? Well when I'm in real, deep pain, I often say it is about the size of a bowling ball. I checked and, just for the record, it is.
Kind of a bummer. I was hoping that I was sort of exaggerating or had a skewed image or the pain. Truth be told, it's about the size of a bowling ball-almost 11 years later.
The other night, I was walking with my very good friend, Andra. She's also an orphan. When I met her, 14 years ago, she was already living without her parents. I had no idea how she did it. She was,and is, brilliant and funny and hip and kind. I was baffled by a person being able to function, and more than function, thrive, excel, set the pace, after suffering such a loss as her.
We were traffic reporters together. I was working on the same shift as Andra when the truth of my parents death was coming to light.
The call that warned me that there may be a problem, came at 4:00 a.m. from my friend, Rob. He's a morning show producer, at the time, in Cincinnati where my parents lived. I answered the phone and on the other end was Rob. He said, "You might want to call your parents. There's been a tornado near their house."
"I just spoke with Mom last night," I said. "I'll call her a little later."
"No," Rob said, "you should call now. It struck the high school right up the block from them."
I called and the phone rang and rang and rang and there was no answer and no answering machine.
I went to the traffic office because there are a lot of phone lines and the close connection to the news station seemed like the best outlet for finding out where they were.
Over the course of several hours I was told that the house was fine, damaged and unknown. I was told that the people in my neighborhood were at the community center, the hospital and unaccounted for. I was so tired of answering the question "what is the address?"
Finally, my brother (who was living an hour from Cinci in Dayton) arrived home and called me to tell me that our parents had died.
I was in a busy room full of open mic's that were getting ready to do live feeds to radio stations across Detroit.
I couldn't scream.
I rose from my chair.
I started to walk to the bathroom and before I could make it, a pain like labor pain in my womb, struck me so strongly it brought me to me knees.
Andra was there and suddenly we shared more in common that anyone in the room or in my world besides my own brother.
We were walking the other night and we were talking about this brokenness and the bowling ball in my chest. Andra asked what the size of the pain now and the size of it when I first lost them years ago.
I said that in the first year or so after the tornado, I felt like I could barely attach ankles, feet a neck and a skull to my void. She pointed out the progress and I am so very thankful for that.
She also suggested that the times of pain, panic, desperation and sadness that we feel and only a part of the who picture. She used the metaphor of a record (remember records?). She said, "think of those moments and that part of who you are as one little groove on a much bigger record." Like I said, Andra in brilliant.
It's just hard, when the record gets stuck.
Prayer:
Lord, I know that you are good all the time. It would bless me to see your goodness in my loss. Father, I know that your ways are not my ways. (Isaiah 55:8-9) I confess that I still these years later wish things were different. I invite you into my confusion and my despair. Grow my understanding of your goodness and meet me in my loss so that my healing may be complete.
Thank you for good friends.
Thank you for the fact that you have given me the truth of Jesus so that I know that this life is not all about me. It's about you. That's the better choice, for sure.
Father, I adore you and I lay my life before you. How I love you.
Scripture:
Job 10:12-13 (New International Version)
12 You gave me life and showed me kindness,
and in your providence watched over my spirit.
13 "But this is what you concealed in your heart,
and I know that this was in your mind:
You know how I check the size and shape and location of my emotional pain in my body? Well when I'm in real, deep pain, I often say it is about the size of a bowling ball. I checked and, just for the record, it is.
Kind of a bummer. I was hoping that I was sort of exaggerating or had a skewed image or the pain. Truth be told, it's about the size of a bowling ball-almost 11 years later.
The other night, I was walking with my very good friend, Andra. She's also an orphan. When I met her, 14 years ago, she was already living without her parents. I had no idea how she did it. She was,and is, brilliant and funny and hip and kind. I was baffled by a person being able to function, and more than function, thrive, excel, set the pace, after suffering such a loss as her.
We were traffic reporters together. I was working on the same shift as Andra when the truth of my parents death was coming to light.
The call that warned me that there may be a problem, came at 4:00 a.m. from my friend, Rob. He's a morning show producer, at the time, in Cincinnati where my parents lived. I answered the phone and on the other end was Rob. He said, "You might want to call your parents. There's been a tornado near their house."
"I just spoke with Mom last night," I said. "I'll call her a little later."
"No," Rob said, "you should call now. It struck the high school right up the block from them."
I called and the phone rang and rang and rang and there was no answer and no answering machine.
I went to the traffic office because there are a lot of phone lines and the close connection to the news station seemed like the best outlet for finding out where they were.
Over the course of several hours I was told that the house was fine, damaged and unknown. I was told that the people in my neighborhood were at the community center, the hospital and unaccounted for. I was so tired of answering the question "what is the address?"
Finally, my brother (who was living an hour from Cinci in Dayton) arrived home and called me to tell me that our parents had died.
I was in a busy room full of open mic's that were getting ready to do live feeds to radio stations across Detroit.
I couldn't scream.
I rose from my chair.
I started to walk to the bathroom and before I could make it, a pain like labor pain in my womb, struck me so strongly it brought me to me knees.
Andra was there and suddenly we shared more in common that anyone in the room or in my world besides my own brother.
We were walking the other night and we were talking about this brokenness and the bowling ball in my chest. Andra asked what the size of the pain now and the size of it when I first lost them years ago.
I said that in the first year or so after the tornado, I felt like I could barely attach ankles, feet a neck and a skull to my void. She pointed out the progress and I am so very thankful for that.
She also suggested that the times of pain, panic, desperation and sadness that we feel and only a part of the who picture. She used the metaphor of a record (remember records?). She said, "think of those moments and that part of who you are as one little groove on a much bigger record." Like I said, Andra in brilliant.
It's just hard, when the record gets stuck.
Prayer:
Lord, I know that you are good all the time. It would bless me to see your goodness in my loss. Father, I know that your ways are not my ways. (Isaiah 55:8-9) I confess that I still these years later wish things were different. I invite you into my confusion and my despair. Grow my understanding of your goodness and meet me in my loss so that my healing may be complete.
Thank you for good friends.
Thank you for the fact that you have given me the truth of Jesus so that I know that this life is not all about me. It's about you. That's the better choice, for sure.
Father, I adore you and I lay my life before you. How I love you.
Scripture:
Job 10:12-13 (New International Version)
12 You gave me life and showed me kindness,
and in your providence watched over my spirit.
13 "But this is what you concealed in your heart,
and I know that this was in your mind:
Friday, March 12, 2010
Today I went to yoga class. In my early grieving process ,before I got called to follow Jesus, yoga was the best tool I had to move toward healing.
I continue to practice yoga at home, at church (where I sometimes teach Christ centered yoga)and at yoga studios.
One basic principal of yoga is that you have to "root down to rise up". My teacher, Kathrine, was making a metaphor of the flowers going deep into the earth and sending roots down deeply to get their nourishment before the can fully blossom and rise to meet the sun and last through the storms.
A couple of things have changed in my practice. When they chant Om, I chant Amen.
Also, when Kathrine(or any other teach who isn't a follower of Jesus) is talking about being deeply rooted, I root myself into the truth of Jesus and my salvation and root myself deeply into His word.
It DOES make sense that when I'm deeply rooted in Christ that I am more able to rise up. I am more able to weather the storms of life.
Another thing that my yoga teachers will ask us to do is to set an "intention" for our practice. For some, this may be a weak intention like, "I want to look great in yoga pants." For me, my intention today was, "I want to heal from the loss of my parents in this tornado."
Then, when I'm doing things that are scary or difficult, I remember my intention and if give me the will to work. In the working, I may get into a wild and crazy version of a handstand, which is great. But more than that, when I face my fears, and remember WHY I am doing it, and do it. When I'm rooted in the TRUTH that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me-it's not just a superficial victory of the body or the mind over the body. It's a spiritual win, as well.
At the end of yoga class, you do something called Shivasina. It means "corps pose".
You lay still. You rest in peace after your hard work.
Sometimes the Lord gives me words or pictures during shivasina.
Today, I think, the pictures were my own mind, trying to reconcile my loss.
Today I saw my mom and dad. They were in their caskets and in the ground.
They were very decayed, almost to the bone with just a little flesh and long hair and nails. It was disturbing.
I invited the Lord into my mind then.
He reminded (get that re-mind-ed) my mind that life is but a vapor.
This is just a body.
We are all dust and to dust we shall all return. (Genisis 3:19) Today-right now, I have peace in that, and I am grateful for it.
For the peace.
I know that that peace is held together by my work, His grace and my the diligent prayers of the people in my life.
If today, your mind is filled with strife and fear. Reach out. Be bold. Strike a pose that scares you. One that asks for help, if you need it-first from the Lord, but also from His followers. Root in the word, the Lord and your community.
Today, seek the Lord to connect you to His body and the body of believers that reflect His healing grace.
Right now, the pain in my heart is about the size of a small hazelnut, at the most. I am grateful. Thank you, Jesus.
Prayer:
Father, I thank you for the peace I have today.
I recognize that my peace is a gift from you.
Help me to remember this and keep it with me always.
Keep me rooted in your truth, your love and your mercy.
Help me to reach up and shine out for you and for those who are suffering today.
Help me to breath your peach into my home, my work and my community.
God, seal this into my heart in a lasting way, so that I may bring hope to the lost and the broken in your name.
Amen.
Scripture:
Ephesians 3:16-18 (New International Version)
16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,
I continue to practice yoga at home, at church (where I sometimes teach Christ centered yoga)and at yoga studios.
One basic principal of yoga is that you have to "root down to rise up". My teacher, Kathrine, was making a metaphor of the flowers going deep into the earth and sending roots down deeply to get their nourishment before the can fully blossom and rise to meet the sun and last through the storms.
A couple of things have changed in my practice. When they chant Om, I chant Amen.
Also, when Kathrine(or any other teach who isn't a follower of Jesus) is talking about being deeply rooted, I root myself into the truth of Jesus and my salvation and root myself deeply into His word.
It DOES make sense that when I'm deeply rooted in Christ that I am more able to rise up. I am more able to weather the storms of life.
Another thing that my yoga teachers will ask us to do is to set an "intention" for our practice. For some, this may be a weak intention like, "I want to look great in yoga pants." For me, my intention today was, "I want to heal from the loss of my parents in this tornado."
Then, when I'm doing things that are scary or difficult, I remember my intention and if give me the will to work. In the working, I may get into a wild and crazy version of a handstand, which is great. But more than that, when I face my fears, and remember WHY I am doing it, and do it. When I'm rooted in the TRUTH that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me-it's not just a superficial victory of the body or the mind over the body. It's a spiritual win, as well.
At the end of yoga class, you do something called Shivasina. It means "corps pose".
You lay still. You rest in peace after your hard work.
Sometimes the Lord gives me words or pictures during shivasina.
Today, I think, the pictures were my own mind, trying to reconcile my loss.
Today I saw my mom and dad. They were in their caskets and in the ground.
They were very decayed, almost to the bone with just a little flesh and long hair and nails. It was disturbing.
I invited the Lord into my mind then.
He reminded (get that re-mind-ed) my mind that life is but a vapor.
This is just a body.
We are all dust and to dust we shall all return. (Genisis 3:19) Today-right now, I have peace in that, and I am grateful for it.
For the peace.
I know that that peace is held together by my work, His grace and my the diligent prayers of the people in my life.
If today, your mind is filled with strife and fear. Reach out. Be bold. Strike a pose that scares you. One that asks for help, if you need it-first from the Lord, but also from His followers. Root in the word, the Lord and your community.
Today, seek the Lord to connect you to His body and the body of believers that reflect His healing grace.
Right now, the pain in my heart is about the size of a small hazelnut, at the most. I am grateful. Thank you, Jesus.
Prayer:
Father, I thank you for the peace I have today.
I recognize that my peace is a gift from you.
Help me to remember this and keep it with me always.
Keep me rooted in your truth, your love and your mercy.
Help me to reach up and shine out for you and for those who are suffering today.
Help me to breath your peach into my home, my work and my community.
God, seal this into my heart in a lasting way, so that I may bring hope to the lost and the broken in your name.
Amen.
Scripture:
Ephesians 3:16-18 (New International Version)
16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Healing Season
Last night at house group (the group of Jesus followers who I hook up with to study the Bible and pray together) I got prayer for the first time since the Healing Season began.
I must say, I really appreciate the courage of anyone who is willing to pray with me and for me, because I know that when I let my guard down and me really "doing the work" it can be tough stuff.
My neighbor was my prayer partner. She's a wisp of a your 20 something and she was brave and bold in such a simple and unaffected way. I thank God for her.
The Lord gave me several private and helpful images in that prayer time and I thank Him for that.
One thing she brought up, was the idea that so many people are grateful for the beginning of Spring and it meaning new life and freshness and how, for me, it has the opposite meaning.
True.
I dread it.
I am doing this journey, in part, to get my Spring back.
To NOT water my plants in with tears.
I was thinking about how, for me, it's Spring. I was also thinking about how some people mourn at Christmas, so instead of having the sound of birds bring about grief, maybe it's bells or the smell of pine. Some in the Autumn, so pumpkin pie may make them cry unexpectedly. For some, the warm beating sun may suddenly unravel them.
Pain is pain and that's why I want to acknowledge that I'm sharing this for the benefit of the all and not out of some narcissistic urge to expose myself.
Two tornado's have stuck this week. One was Monday and one was yesterday. They were in plains states and I know that at least one person died.
I don't know if it was a man or woman or child, I just know what the world knows.
When my tornado came, I was working for a news radio station and as I knew that my parents were dead and I was being driven by a friend to Cincinnati to meet my brother, I was listening to the radio. My station-where they knew me and knew my parents had been killed hours ago-were reporting the story like this "Two people lost their lives."
I wanted to scream.
They had names.
They were Lee and Jacque Cook.
So let me say now, my parents were names Leon Edmon Cook and Jacquelyn Kathleen Cook and they were amazing.
My father was a genius and an environmental pioneer and my mother was a social worker and a social justice activist and an amazing mother and cook and they loved each other and the loved me and my brother.
We loved them.
When my brother told me that they were dead, I didn't believe him. I made him let me talk to the EMT who had them in his truck. To this day, I still have a hard time believing that they won't just call me someday and say that they are fine and just had a really hard time finding me.
During prayer time with my church group I told them that I think that my brain itself my be broken, a little. It feels that way, for sure.
My prayer partner said immediately, "That's not true." Like I said, she's simple and bold. I am going to believe her. In my heart, though, it still feels like the truth. My brain feels broken. My heart still feels broken.
Right now, my pain is in my chest. It's in my heart. It's about the size of a grapefruit. I'm going to stop for a moment and invite the Lord to fill this empty broken, bleeding mess of of heart.
I'm going to take three deep breaths and invite the Lord to fill me with His peace.
(pause)
Now the pain is about the size of a small lime and it's much less intense, but I have a huge lump in my throat and an upset stomach. I'm going to breathe three more deep breaths.
(pause)
I am much, much better.
There is healing power in the breath.
Prayer:
Lord, I thank you for my family of believers. I thank you for friends who aren't afraid of my pain. I pray that my journey will not be a burden on them. Father, I ask in Jesus name that you will give me chances to bless other people the way that they bless me. For those who don't know you and don't have a family in Christ, I pray that you will provide that for them.
Father, I know that you are the God of salvation. You lead the people of Israel from bondage and slavery to hope and freedom.
I am trusting you to do the same with me and my brokenness.
When I am weak, you are strong. This is a great chance for you to show strong. You are great and mighty Lord and I trust you with my broken heart.
Thank you, that you are my Lord and my help, my strengths, my joy, my peace and my ever present help.
In times when I struggle with hopelessness, I pray that you will remind me of my breathe and that I will come to you.
In Jesus name,
Amen.
Scripture:
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and He saves those who are crushed in spirit.
I must say, I really appreciate the courage of anyone who is willing to pray with me and for me, because I know that when I let my guard down and me really "doing the work" it can be tough stuff.
My neighbor was my prayer partner. She's a wisp of a your 20 something and she was brave and bold in such a simple and unaffected way. I thank God for her.
The Lord gave me several private and helpful images in that prayer time and I thank Him for that.
One thing she brought up, was the idea that so many people are grateful for the beginning of Spring and it meaning new life and freshness and how, for me, it has the opposite meaning.
True.
I dread it.
I am doing this journey, in part, to get my Spring back.
To NOT water my plants in with tears.
I was thinking about how, for me, it's Spring. I was also thinking about how some people mourn at Christmas, so instead of having the sound of birds bring about grief, maybe it's bells or the smell of pine. Some in the Autumn, so pumpkin pie may make them cry unexpectedly. For some, the warm beating sun may suddenly unravel them.
Pain is pain and that's why I want to acknowledge that I'm sharing this for the benefit of the all and not out of some narcissistic urge to expose myself.
Two tornado's have stuck this week. One was Monday and one was yesterday. They were in plains states and I know that at least one person died.
I don't know if it was a man or woman or child, I just know what the world knows.
When my tornado came, I was working for a news radio station and as I knew that my parents were dead and I was being driven by a friend to Cincinnati to meet my brother, I was listening to the radio. My station-where they knew me and knew my parents had been killed hours ago-were reporting the story like this "Two people lost their lives."
I wanted to scream.
They had names.
They were Lee and Jacque Cook.
So let me say now, my parents were names Leon Edmon Cook and Jacquelyn Kathleen Cook and they were amazing.
My father was a genius and an environmental pioneer and my mother was a social worker and a social justice activist and an amazing mother and cook and they loved each other and the loved me and my brother.
We loved them.
When my brother told me that they were dead, I didn't believe him. I made him let me talk to the EMT who had them in his truck. To this day, I still have a hard time believing that they won't just call me someday and say that they are fine and just had a really hard time finding me.
During prayer time with my church group I told them that I think that my brain itself my be broken, a little. It feels that way, for sure.
My prayer partner said immediately, "That's not true." Like I said, she's simple and bold. I am going to believe her. In my heart, though, it still feels like the truth. My brain feels broken. My heart still feels broken.
Right now, my pain is in my chest. It's in my heart. It's about the size of a grapefruit. I'm going to stop for a moment and invite the Lord to fill this empty broken, bleeding mess of of heart.
I'm going to take three deep breaths and invite the Lord to fill me with His peace.
(pause)
Now the pain is about the size of a small lime and it's much less intense, but I have a huge lump in my throat and an upset stomach. I'm going to breathe three more deep breaths.
(pause)
I am much, much better.
There is healing power in the breath.
Prayer:
Lord, I thank you for my family of believers. I thank you for friends who aren't afraid of my pain. I pray that my journey will not be a burden on them. Father, I ask in Jesus name that you will give me chances to bless other people the way that they bless me. For those who don't know you and don't have a family in Christ, I pray that you will provide that for them.
Father, I know that you are the God of salvation. You lead the people of Israel from bondage and slavery to hope and freedom.
I am trusting you to do the same with me and my brokenness.
When I am weak, you are strong. This is a great chance for you to show strong. You are great and mighty Lord and I trust you with my broken heart.
Thank you, that you are my Lord and my help, my strengths, my joy, my peace and my ever present help.
In times when I struggle with hopelessness, I pray that you will remind me of my breathe and that I will come to you.
In Jesus name,
Amen.
Scripture:
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and He saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The Healing Season
Africa changed me. I went to Ghana in August of 2009 with an amazing organization called Compassion International. I didn't want to do. I was afraid. Interesting that the first three letters in AFRica are the same as the first three in AFRaid. I didn't know if I could handle seeing that kind of suffering. Starvation, the HIV/AIDS death toll, deep deep and desperate poverty.
But, I know that the Lord must have wanted me to go, or he would not have opened the door or provided the opportunity. So, after consulting my husband and my pastor and getting the blessing of both, I agreed to go.
I will never be the same.
I saw God move in a very real and potent way.
Some day I'll write on that.
Today-I reflect on that because I was just looking a video of the trip to Africa and the way that I way dancing and laughing and playing with and praying with. I was so moved by the peace and joy that the Lord blessed me with. I thank Him for that.
Years ago, like 7 or so years ago-I was a baby believer in Jesus and I was totally shredded. I hated my life and I was just pretending to be happy so that my children would think that there was a good reason to live. I felt like I was being deceitful to let them think that, but it was the lesser of two evils, in my mind.
When my friend Meg began to introduce me to Jesus, I would always say things like "Is God really love? He sure doesn't seem to love me-he had no problem killing my parents and destroying everything I ever had" and she would just offer to pray for me. As she prayed simple prayers that the Lord would send his spirit to comfort me, I would begin to feel his peace. I would weep and weep and weep. I remember one day seeing Meg and her husband Jim (who are now my pastor and my pastors wife) driving down my street. I ran after their car in the snow and called them down until they heard me and pulled over. Poured into the back seat and crying I said "Will you please pray for me?" "Sure," they said, "What can we pray for?" I said "Please pray that I will want the life I have." We did and I do-Thanks be to God. Now mind you-it's been a journey I'm still on and that's why I'm in this Healing Season today.
In Africa they sang a song that says:
He HAS done great things for me.
He WILL do great things for me.
God is good to me.
I am so grateful to agree with that song.
Now-my recipe for this Healing Season is to write daily and to receive prayer at my home group on Wednesdays and after church on Sunday.
Today is Wednesday-so I will get prayer tonight and if I feel the need to (because I'm also going to write when I'm falling apart) I'll write again.
Right now-the pain is about the size of a throbbing softball in my heart and a golf ball in my throat.
I am going to take a moment and breathe deeply into all the corners of my lungs and invite the Lord to fill this space.
(pause)
Now after three deep breaths the wound in my chest is the about the size of a baseball in the one in my throat is nearly gone. Thank you, Father.
Prayer:
Jesus, I thank you that you've saved me and given me a reason to live. I pray that you continue to shine your light into the lives of the lost and broken in my life and all across the globe. Let you spirit come to comfort the afflicted.
Thank you that I don't have to pretend that life is worth living.
God I invite you into my brokenness as ask you to fill my emptiness with whatever you see fit.
I commit this journey to you. Walk with me and teach me the way to go.
Please hug my mom and dad for me and tell them that I love them and can still smell them when I try.
God, I don't want to live in brokenness but in restoration.
I know, Jesus that you are the healer and so today I am like the man by the pool at Bethesda crying out for your touch. (John 5:1-15)
I am like the man lowered through the roof into the packed room to be healed. God I pray that if it's in your will, that you would heal my broken heart.(Mark 2:1-17, Luke 5:17-26, Matt 9:2-7)
In Jesus name.
Amen.
Scripture:
Psalm 27:14
Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
But, I know that the Lord must have wanted me to go, or he would not have opened the door or provided the opportunity. So, after consulting my husband and my pastor and getting the blessing of both, I agreed to go.
I will never be the same.
I saw God move in a very real and potent way.
Some day I'll write on that.
Today-I reflect on that because I was just looking a video of the trip to Africa and the way that I way dancing and laughing and playing with and praying with. I was so moved by the peace and joy that the Lord blessed me with. I thank Him for that.
Years ago, like 7 or so years ago-I was a baby believer in Jesus and I was totally shredded. I hated my life and I was just pretending to be happy so that my children would think that there was a good reason to live. I felt like I was being deceitful to let them think that, but it was the lesser of two evils, in my mind.
When my friend Meg began to introduce me to Jesus, I would always say things like "Is God really love? He sure doesn't seem to love me-he had no problem killing my parents and destroying everything I ever had" and she would just offer to pray for me. As she prayed simple prayers that the Lord would send his spirit to comfort me, I would begin to feel his peace. I would weep and weep and weep. I remember one day seeing Meg and her husband Jim (who are now my pastor and my pastors wife) driving down my street. I ran after their car in the snow and called them down until they heard me and pulled over. Poured into the back seat and crying I said "Will you please pray for me?" "Sure," they said, "What can we pray for?" I said "Please pray that I will want the life I have." We did and I do-Thanks be to God. Now mind you-it's been a journey I'm still on and that's why I'm in this Healing Season today.
In Africa they sang a song that says:
He HAS done great things for me.
He WILL do great things for me.
God is good to me.
I am so grateful to agree with that song.
Now-my recipe for this Healing Season is to write daily and to receive prayer at my home group on Wednesdays and after church on Sunday.
Today is Wednesday-so I will get prayer tonight and if I feel the need to (because I'm also going to write when I'm falling apart) I'll write again.
Right now-the pain is about the size of a throbbing softball in my heart and a golf ball in my throat.
I am going to take a moment and breathe deeply into all the corners of my lungs and invite the Lord to fill this space.
(pause)
Now after three deep breaths the wound in my chest is the about the size of a baseball in the one in my throat is nearly gone. Thank you, Father.
Prayer:
Jesus, I thank you that you've saved me and given me a reason to live. I pray that you continue to shine your light into the lives of the lost and broken in my life and all across the globe. Let you spirit come to comfort the afflicted.
Thank you that I don't have to pretend that life is worth living.
God I invite you into my brokenness as ask you to fill my emptiness with whatever you see fit.
I commit this journey to you. Walk with me and teach me the way to go.
Please hug my mom and dad for me and tell them that I love them and can still smell them when I try.
God, I don't want to live in brokenness but in restoration.
I know, Jesus that you are the healer and so today I am like the man by the pool at Bethesda crying out for your touch. (John 5:1-15)
I am like the man lowered through the roof into the packed room to be healed. God I pray that if it's in your will, that you would heal my broken heart.(Mark 2:1-17, Luke 5:17-26, Matt 9:2-7)
In Jesus name.
Amen.
Scripture:
Psalm 27:14
Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The Healing Season
March 9th
8:27
Today was really a good day, emotionally and I'm not just saying that.
Around 10:30 this morning, I told my boss about my plan to blog this pain and pray this pain and I asked for his blessing, which he gave.
Around 4:30 I checked in with my pain level to discern how big it was in my body. I was feeling well and was wondering if I was really feeling well or if I am just that used to being in pain that I interpret it as wellness.
Remember how yesterday, I had pain the size of a bowling ball in my chest which turned to pain and brokenness the size of a golf ball after praying and breathing and asking the Lord to fill the space? Well, today the pain is more like a marble. An "Aggie", yes, but a marble just the same.
That is a good sign. I confess today i had some wine, but I didn't even dip my baby toe into tipsy and I checked in with myself to make sure that I wasn't trying to cover pain and I wasn't.
It was just a good day.
My son sang in a concert at school. It was a genuine delight. The sun was out and it was warm and I enjoyed that, which can be a change in the spring.
Sometimes the change to warmth and the softening of the earth and the cool air and the sound of the birds breaks my heart and fills me with fear. In fact, just writing about it now is making my heart beat fast, so I won't.
In fact, right now, I invite the Lord into the space in my chest that is beating and broken. I ask you, Lord to fill the space with whatever you see fit.
I visited a friend in rehab tonight. I brought her socks, a purse, a cross, a c.d. of music, a Bible and a yoga mat.
Maybe helping her, helped me. Or, maybe it was just a good day.
Prayer
Lord Jesus,
I thank you for today and it's blessings.
I thank you for the sunshine and the warm spring air and the chance to enjoy it.
I thank you for my family. My husband and children.
I thank you for the chance to be a help to someone else.
I pray the you will be with me tonight as I sleep.
I pray the you will be with me in my waking.
I pray you will be in my thoughts, even and especially in my most painful and joyful one's.
I pray that you will teach me how to surrender and trust the way that you did and do.
Jesus, be with me and show me how to heal.
Scripture:
Psalm 27:13-14
I believe that I will see the goodness of the Lord.
Wait for the Lord.
Be strong, let your heart take courage.
Wait for the Lord!
8:27
Today was really a good day, emotionally and I'm not just saying that.
Around 10:30 this morning, I told my boss about my plan to blog this pain and pray this pain and I asked for his blessing, which he gave.
Around 4:30 I checked in with my pain level to discern how big it was in my body. I was feeling well and was wondering if I was really feeling well or if I am just that used to being in pain that I interpret it as wellness.
Remember how yesterday, I had pain the size of a bowling ball in my chest which turned to pain and brokenness the size of a golf ball after praying and breathing and asking the Lord to fill the space? Well, today the pain is more like a marble. An "Aggie", yes, but a marble just the same.
That is a good sign. I confess today i had some wine, but I didn't even dip my baby toe into tipsy and I checked in with myself to make sure that I wasn't trying to cover pain and I wasn't.
It was just a good day.
My son sang in a concert at school. It was a genuine delight. The sun was out and it was warm and I enjoyed that, which can be a change in the spring.
Sometimes the change to warmth and the softening of the earth and the cool air and the sound of the birds breaks my heart and fills me with fear. In fact, just writing about it now is making my heart beat fast, so I won't.
In fact, right now, I invite the Lord into the space in my chest that is beating and broken. I ask you, Lord to fill the space with whatever you see fit.
I visited a friend in rehab tonight. I brought her socks, a purse, a cross, a c.d. of music, a Bible and a yoga mat.
Maybe helping her, helped me. Or, maybe it was just a good day.
Prayer
Lord Jesus,
I thank you for today and it's blessings.
I thank you for the sunshine and the warm spring air and the chance to enjoy it.
I thank you for my family. My husband and children.
I thank you for the chance to be a help to someone else.
I pray the you will be with me tonight as I sleep.
I pray the you will be with me in my waking.
I pray you will be in my thoughts, even and especially in my most painful and joyful one's.
I pray that you will teach me how to surrender and trust the way that you did and do.
Jesus, be with me and show me how to heal.
Scripture:
Psalm 27:13-14
I believe that I will see the goodness of the Lord.
Wait for the Lord.
Be strong, let your heart take courage.
Wait for the Lord!
Monday, March 8, 2010
The Healing Season
March 08
The Healing Season
The Healing Season
March 8th
4:01
I’m writing now because I can feel the shortness of breath sneaking in.
I’m feeling stressed, over-whelmed, a clenching in my jaw. I am biting my lip.
I’m a little dizzy.
It’s tornado season.
It will be 11 years in April. April 9th to be exact. Shoot. 4:05 a.m. April 9th of 1999 in Montgomery Ohio. To be exact.
7575 Cornell Road, Montgomery Ohio, to be exact.
The home of Lee and Jacque Cook-my parents to be exact-was struck by a tornado and killed them both.
Not quiet instantly-to be sadly and painfully exact-it cracked my father’s skull wide open and crushed ever bone in my mother’s body to the point that the first neighbor to rush to her said “she had no bones left” .
My heart in beating hard in my chests. I can’t exactly breathe. I’m gonna stop for a second and take three deep breaths and invite the Lord into my broken blown in heart.
Okay.
In those breaths, I heard the Lord say “Good, Shannyn.”
I’m writing this because I’ve made the decision to heal this year.
Every year, when the spring comes and the snow begins to thaw, I begin to panic sometimes and break down sometimes, and run to the bottle (it’s only a little wine I say) sometimes. This season, this spring, when I begin to panic-I’m going to run to the keyboard and write it all down.
I broke down for the first time this year on Saturday night at a friend’s house.
She lives with her mother, or more like her mother lives with her, and she feels burdened.
I understand but it also tore me wide open. It was less like a scab being picked and more like post-operative sutures being torn apart my hand by someone who said “this won’t hurt” and the someone was me.
I thought I was healed enough to hang with a girl and her mom. I guess I was wrong and so I’ve declared war on my brokenness.
My Plan.
1-Journel. Journal every stinking time I can’t breathe, function, cope. When I’m breaking down-I’m going to journal. I’m doing it every single day. Even on the good days to recount the progress and the Lords goodness in my healing and in my pain.
2-Pray. I attend a small group on Wednesdays and Church on Sundays and I’ve spoken with my pastor. I’m getting all prayed up in whatever I feel I need prayer for and whatever my prayer partners feel lead to pray for.
That’s it.
That’s my healing strategy.
I don’t want another spring to go by and make me feel like I’ve been hit by a train or like I’m being hunted by a pack of dogs.
If that kind of brokenness is what the Lord needs to use me for his glory that I submit to His will but I am going to work hard to get my spring-times back.
Yesterday at church, my pastor, Jim Pool of the Royal Oak Vineyard outside Detroit Michigan, was teaching on honoring your Mother and Father.
I totally lost it in the back row and wept and wept and wept silently. I’ve gotten good at silent weeping, but a wonderful older couple in our church, Tom and Mary Quinlan noticed. They come to me and laid hands on me and spoke healing into my brokenness.
I said “I still feel like I’ve been hit in the chest with a cannon ball”.
Mary said, “When you feel that feeling-don’t ask the Lord to take it away. Ask Him to fill it.”
So now as I feel this brokenness, which at the moment, feels more softball than cannon ball sized, I’m asking the Lord to fill that spot and now it feels like a golf ball.
Thank, Lord.
My scripture today is from Psalm 103
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name.
All that is within me.
That means my broken heart.
My broken heart blesses you name, Lord Jesus.
Prayer:
Jesus, you came to reconcile ALL things to the Father. (Colossians 1:20)
That includes the tornado, my parent’s death and the ruined shell of a girl that was left behind. Me.
I believe you; please help my disbelief (Mathew)
God, send your spirit of healing to me and to all the broken and lost and fill our brokenness by your power.
Meet me here.
Touch my inmost being.
I love you, Father and even though I don’t understand You, I trust you and all of my hope is in you.
Thank you for giving me the courage to walk through this valley of darkness and in the shadow of death.
I know that you are with me. Send me comfort.
In the name of the healer Jesus, I ask.
Amen.
I am no longer panicking.
The Healing Season
The Healing Season
March 8th
4:01
I’m writing now because I can feel the shortness of breath sneaking in.
I’m feeling stressed, over-whelmed, a clenching in my jaw. I am biting my lip.
I’m a little dizzy.
It’s tornado season.
It will be 11 years in April. April 9th to be exact. Shoot. 4:05 a.m. April 9th of 1999 in Montgomery Ohio. To be exact.
7575 Cornell Road, Montgomery Ohio, to be exact.
The home of Lee and Jacque Cook-my parents to be exact-was struck by a tornado and killed them both.
Not quiet instantly-to be sadly and painfully exact-it cracked my father’s skull wide open and crushed ever bone in my mother’s body to the point that the first neighbor to rush to her said “she had no bones left” .
My heart in beating hard in my chests. I can’t exactly breathe. I’m gonna stop for a second and take three deep breaths and invite the Lord into my broken blown in heart.
Okay.
In those breaths, I heard the Lord say “Good, Shannyn.”
I’m writing this because I’ve made the decision to heal this year.
Every year, when the spring comes and the snow begins to thaw, I begin to panic sometimes and break down sometimes, and run to the bottle (it’s only a little wine I say) sometimes. This season, this spring, when I begin to panic-I’m going to run to the keyboard and write it all down.
I broke down for the first time this year on Saturday night at a friend’s house.
She lives with her mother, or more like her mother lives with her, and she feels burdened.
I understand but it also tore me wide open. It was less like a scab being picked and more like post-operative sutures being torn apart my hand by someone who said “this won’t hurt” and the someone was me.
I thought I was healed enough to hang with a girl and her mom. I guess I was wrong and so I’ve declared war on my brokenness.
My Plan.
1-Journel. Journal every stinking time I can’t breathe, function, cope. When I’m breaking down-I’m going to journal. I’m doing it every single day. Even on the good days to recount the progress and the Lords goodness in my healing and in my pain.
2-Pray. I attend a small group on Wednesdays and Church on Sundays and I’ve spoken with my pastor. I’m getting all prayed up in whatever I feel I need prayer for and whatever my prayer partners feel lead to pray for.
That’s it.
That’s my healing strategy.
I don’t want another spring to go by and make me feel like I’ve been hit by a train or like I’m being hunted by a pack of dogs.
If that kind of brokenness is what the Lord needs to use me for his glory that I submit to His will but I am going to work hard to get my spring-times back.
Yesterday at church, my pastor, Jim Pool of the Royal Oak Vineyard outside Detroit Michigan, was teaching on honoring your Mother and Father.
I totally lost it in the back row and wept and wept and wept silently. I’ve gotten good at silent weeping, but a wonderful older couple in our church, Tom and Mary Quinlan noticed. They come to me and laid hands on me and spoke healing into my brokenness.
I said “I still feel like I’ve been hit in the chest with a cannon ball”.
Mary said, “When you feel that feeling-don’t ask the Lord to take it away. Ask Him to fill it.”
So now as I feel this brokenness, which at the moment, feels more softball than cannon ball sized, I’m asking the Lord to fill that spot and now it feels like a golf ball.
Thank, Lord.
My scripture today is from Psalm 103
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name.
All that is within me.
That means my broken heart.
My broken heart blesses you name, Lord Jesus.
Prayer:
Jesus, you came to reconcile ALL things to the Father. (Colossians 1:20)
That includes the tornado, my parent’s death and the ruined shell of a girl that was left behind. Me.
I believe you; please help my disbelief (Mathew)
God, send your spirit of healing to me and to all the broken and lost and fill our brokenness by your power.
Meet me here.
Touch my inmost being.
I love you, Father and even though I don’t understand You, I trust you and all of my hope is in you.
Thank you for giving me the courage to walk through this valley of darkness and in the shadow of death.
I know that you are with me. Send me comfort.
In the name of the healer Jesus, I ask.
Amen.
I am no longer panicking.
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